"It's sooo tiny!!" After saying that line 17 times and coming down off the sugar high from cake, mints, and punch which were normally not allowed, I was feeling like I needed a nap. It was a lovely baby shower though, and I couldn't wait for the hubs to return from golfing with the guys. I was Anxious to show all the loot we received and to get it home to the nursery which we had just finished up ( DOne completely in Pooh Bear ,btw-the shower AND the nursery theme). I layed down a bit on the couch which usually was like a wake-up call to baby. I closed my sleepy eyes but braced myself for the Karate kicks which was sure to come, ESpecially after the tournament he seemed to have had the night before- this strong guy had actually brought tears of pain with those big feet. I waited....and waited..hmm.. that's wierd. "I know all the tricks little man..I will get a wiggle out of you". A bit of a worrier I have always been, but just weeks before I had a dear friend tragically lose her little guy and it had saddened and scared me so that I got frightened each time my baby boy had slept very still for too long. My S-I-L had just had her little man 2 months before and mentioned I was going to stress myself out completely if I continued to worry so she made a quick call to the Dr., for it may be this baby was down and quiet and coming soon. I kept in mind that I'm 36 weeks-it would all be okay.
The cold Coka-cola that Doc recommended didn't do the trick to get him kicking so after 30 minutes, I decided I wanted to go to the pink hospital and get checked...this may be the day, I thought. My brother was parked behind us in the drive so he just decided to drive, and off we went, without my hospital bag that was waiting, fully packed of course, in the baby's room :(
The nurse had undoubtedly had a long day and was intent on getting her job done, which was basically to get me in- hook me up to the fetal monitor- calm my first time momma fears- and get me out. The ultrasound machine just happened to be in the room from the previous patient, so she decided that although she was not an ultrasound tech , a heartbeat could be found more quickly with that and I would be out of her hair. I was already regretting the 3 cups of yummy punch plus the Coka-cola I drank but now the jelly and pressure on my bladder..UH-OH. I closed my eyes for a minute and tried not to think about the incredible urge to tinkle. "UGH" I believe I even said that outloud..this was taking forever..find the heartbeat already and stop before we have a mess here lady. As if she heard me talking to her in my head , she turned to me with a painful smile and said "I'm not a Dr., I am not so good at this". I glanced up at the screen and saw the little head and saw her probing around and stopping right at the little heart-Surely she could see it if I did! I stared as she stopped, I gulped, it was still, The HEART was still... she hurried out of the room saying "I will get a Dr. because I'm just not good at this". The room was silent as I did not even turn to look at Lee, we both knew. The Dr. on call came in and probed around for what seemed like an hour but was closer to a minute. He turned to me with tears in his eyes and said "I'm sorry, He is gone". I heard myself scream hysterically "NOOoooooooooo and as the hubs and my brother quickly came near but the lights in my head went dark.
I DO NOT remember the events leading up to my own Dr. and arriving. I recall opening my eyes and seeing the crowd of people who cared , in my room, talking-crying-whispering about me like I wasn't even there. I opened my mouth to talk and it seemed I was to drugged to say a word. Was I having an out of body experience? Had I died too? It seemed I had not but laying there, I wished I had. I glanced down at my bulging belly and realized there was tiny little dead person inside me who 24 hours before had been a little being who had a daily routine I had grown to know, someone I talked to and sang to and read to and took care of for more than eight months and NOw was gone. I simply nodded when the Dr. advised that a natural delivery was best for subsequent pregnancies but I was yelling on the inside "Isn't there a better way?" Really, I have to go through childbirth pain for NOThing?" No way..this could not be happening.
The epidural did help a bit, but the catheter had seemed to wiggle it's way out of my back somehow so sometime mid labor the pain like I had NEVER felt before kicked into full swing. This was a rare occurence the anesethesiologist assured me and chatted me up a bit about the excitement of having my first baby. How nice. He hadn't even read my chart. I stared at the wall and did not speak. Just as the meds were kicking back in I was told I was at a 10 and the pushing began. I am not sure where I even obtained the strength to push as there would be no reward in the end. I kept imagining his little face.. I had seen it on ultrasounds but I had to see it.. and suddenly the strength was there and OUT he came! Austin Bailey was born still at 8:35 p.m. on September 11, 2000.
There was no gasping breath nor a first cry but I could not wait to get my hands on him. The Dr. confirmed his thoughts of a knot in the umbilcal cord that had tightened upon dropping . There had been no slack in the cord because he had it wrapped around his arm. A freak accident. No ones fault. The nurse took him and cleaned him just a bit and wrapped him up to meet me. She took our first and only family picture. I stared at his little perfect face, blue-ish and swollen but PERFECT... I quickly opened up his blankie to see those feet I had felt for so long and just as I thought, they WERe Huge :) His entire body was just as I imagined..all ten fingers and toes amazingly made by us and by God. I resisted a bit when the nurse said I should relax and tried to take him.. "NO-I'm not finished- I don't want to let him go yet, please don't make me!" She assured me that she would dress him and return him in just a bit, and she also questioned as to whether or not I would choose to have pictures taken of him, by a photographer and I quickly refused and she dropped the subject. I did NOT want pictures taken of my dead baby. No Way. They had it done anyway and I am eternally grateful for those precious pics. When he was finally brought back, smiling through the dripping tears, I requested to be alone with him and his Daddy and I rocked him and sang just as I had dreamed. I was brought a meal from my favorite place, which I do not know how I recall at all because I was physically and emotionally gone- Exhausted. I then gave into taking a little rest and slept for hours, barely waking as they took my labs or gave me meds. All. night. long.
The following days are a blur. Picking out a burial outfit, funeral home, flowers. Having a conversation with Lee was so difficult as I could see how broken he was. I was so caught up in my sorrow I hadn't been able to help with his. He described having to walk in our home-into the nursery to gather the clothes and items we had decided on and some changes of clothes for ourselves, as we would not be staying at home..not yet.. we just couldn't go home empty handed. Beyond Difficult.
These are a recollection of my memories of Sept.11- a terrible tragic day. I know so many other mothers go through this and sometimes it's called miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. I feel the pain is the same, the sadness just seems to grow the longer you have had with your child. I share this with joy as well as sadness though as it may help someone else feel that they can talk about it. My angel baby Austin would be 11 now and I'm sure he would have brought us as much joy as his four siblings have. He was a real little person- he existed and though it makes some people uncomfortable for me to mention him- I CANNOT forget. I would not have written his story with such a sad ending if I would have been the author but through the years I now see many positives that have come after he got his wings. My hope is that this may make you smile through tears and be sensitive to the feelings of parents suffering a loss or even infertility..for their arms ache to hold a child. I also encourage you not to take for granted our little earthly angels that God has loaned us, I have four on loan now and enoy each of them immensely. Enjoy each moment my friends~ Life is short.
*On a side note- One year later on September 11, 2011, despite the horrific tragedy in America , I was once again smiling through dripping tears, as I was cradling my 2 week old precious baby girl.
perfect little profile :)
S-I-L and I showing our preggo bellies :)
